Listen to what she has to say…

文╱王偉忠

陶子重義氣，她要我做什麼，我就做什麼。她要我談一談婚姻感情，就談吧！反正我也到了開口說話會帶點道理，但年輕人聽不進去的年齡。

我跟太太戀愛八年結婚，婚後十七年，總共認識了二十五年。這麼長的時間日夜相伴，身旁偶爾沒有她，感覺很爽，倘若此後一輩子沒有她，萬萬不可。

像前一陣子看到一則意見調查，問年輕女孩，家人、父母、孩子、老公與事業，如果硬要抉擇，會先放棄哪個？

女孩選了選，先放棄了事業，然後家人、父母，剩下老公與孩子難以抉擇，最後選擇放棄孩子、留下老公，理由是家人、父母、孩子最終都會離開身邊，但老公會是終身伴侶。很殘酷、但也很真實。

中國字的寓意深遠，「伴」，就是一人一半，湊在一起才完整。

現今許多人適婚卻不婚，老人家看了奇怪，過去從沒發生過類似狀況。這現象代表五、六十年來沒有戰亂、年輕人長大過程中享有家庭溫暖與親情支援，因此認為單 身也能過得很好，不論敗犬或是單身貴族，不覺得非要個伴，是歷史上首度可以一個人過日子的平安歲月。衰老未至，沒有歲月的壓力，等年齡到了，開始覺得孤 獨、害怕孤獨，想找個人分享，還是需要個伴。

若要進入婚姻，套一句不負責任的老生常談，要靠緣份，除了緣份以及感性的感覺，還要理性的選擇。婚姻確實需要理性，如果女兒論及婚嫁，我一定要求要看看對方家庭，什麼樣的家庭會養出什麼樣的孩子，當然，也有破碎家庭的孩子更努力維繫自己的幸福家庭，但一定要仔細觀察。

而另一個老生常談就是婚姻需要兩個人有相同的價值觀，但這不是說「我喜歡的你一定要喜歡」，而是「我不討厭你喜歡的」，就可以了，兩人可妥協，可退讓，願意試著接觸自己本來討厭的，看看是否真那麼不能接受，有這樣願意妥協的心情，比較容易維繫感情。

而婚姻與愛情最大的不同，在於願不願意改變。願意為了對方改變自己，是真愛，從頭到尾都不想改變自己，這段感情充其量只是對方愛你。

戀愛是短暫的交會後很想在一起而開始，很想閃的結束。開始時乾柴烈火，講究原汁原味，眼前的他什麼都好，是全天下最酷的、最美的，不需要改，但等到愛情疲了，才發現這人酷到不近人情、美得過於臭美、連刺青的位置不對，趕緊推給個性不合閃人。因此戀愛講究的是如何好聚好散

進入婚姻，當然還是會有許多衝突，學習重點是「相處的藝術」。男生該學的第一課就是上廁所必須掀馬桶蓋，一開始改變很不習慣，後來融入身體，像吃飯喝水一樣自然。

但最近老婆說不只要掀蓋子，尿完還希望我拿衛生紙擦擦馬桶周圍留下來的「遺跡」，按照過去的脾氣，一定就「老子愛….」，但現在的我會聽太太的意見，因為「愛」字裡有個心，不是光用腦想著該送什麼禮物給她，要用心。

太太也改變不少，她不喜歡戶外活動，婚前知道我愛潛水、跟著背起十幾公斤重的空氣瓶跳進海底求生，這麼愛美的她怕晒黑、塗防晒油塗滿臉，一回頭、嚇一跳，怎麼來了個歌仔戲花旦跟我一起玩。

婚後我又想潛水，她就說「不必了」，理由是家裡有孩子，不宜從事太危險的活動。

以前一個人在台北發展，要自己照顧自己，還要爭名奪利，不自私很難在短時間之內成就自己。結婚之後學著喊太太的媽媽「媽！」，有食物，不能先放進自己嘴 巴，要顧著妻小先吃。我開始懂得心疼與珍惜，因為太太很好，捨不得讓她不舒服、捨不得讓她傷心，這些捨不得讓我自然學會了讓、學會了愛，也自然的改變自 己，從自私變成大方。

婚姻的路是每天類似的風景，同樣的過程、淡淡的，要相處得好，真得靠慧根，所以找對象不能光想找個腿長奶大的辣妹，或是像金城武的帥哥，要找個讓自己想起他來心裡甜甜的，回頭一看，那人就在燈火闌珊處，這就是最好的對象。

而所謂另一半，也不是一開始就契合，是在修正中不斷的磨合，你多一點我少一點，像拼圖一樣拼在一起，才能一起過一輩子。

當然，歲月無情，人生最終還是分離。像我媽媽十六歲嫁給爸爸，相守相愛了一輩子，爸爸十多年前過世之後，媽媽真像少了一半，常凝望遠方，像爸爸就在天的那 一邊，令人感傷。但人生如果少了婚姻、少了隨之而來的酸甜苦辣生老病死，少了孩子延續家的價值與感情，真會少掉很多滋味。 

By Wang Wei Zhong

Tao Zi is a friend of loyalty, and whatever she wanted me to do, I will do. She wanted me to talk about marriage, so let’s talk about it! Anyway, I am at the age when I usually speak with a little sense, but the younger generation may not like to listen.

I’m was in courtship with my wife for eight years before marriage, and we are now married seventeen years, met a total of twenty-five years. Day and night, accompanied alongside for such a long time, sometimes it’s a good feeling to not having her beside me. But I know if I ever lost her, life will be meaningless. And this lifetime I want to be with her as long as I live.

Like a while ago, i saw a survey, asking young girls, to make a sequential choice between siblings, parents, children, husbands and career. If ever you need to choose, which or who, will you first give up?

The girl then made the following sequence; first to give up career, then siblings, parents, she was then in a dilemma whether to leave her husband and children. And finally decided to give up the child, leaving her husband on the grounds that the family, parents, children will eventually leave her side, but her husband would be her life partner . Very cruel, but also very real.

The profound meaning of Chinese characters, “companion” (伴) is one half with a man to make a company or whole.

Nowadays many people who are of age for marriage are not even considering marriage. The older generation finds it strange, because such condition has never happen in the past.. never! This phenomenon is a representation of a generation who had lived a whole good years of fifty to sixty years without war, young people grown up enjoying the family warmth and family support, the single could live well, regardless of age. And single people think that it is not necessarily ti find a partner, thinking that a person live on alone the years to come due to the stability of one self and it’s peaceful surroundings.
Even before the arrival of aging, there is no pressure on the years, such as age to, and began to feel lonely, afraid of being alone, looking for personal enjoyment, or need a friend. To enter the marriage, Tao Yiju platitudes irresponsible to rely on fate, in addition to fate, and sensual, but also a rational choice. Marriage really need a rational, if the daughter discussed marriage, I have asked to see the other families, what kind of family will be what kind of child care, of course, there are also children of broken families work harder to maintain their happy family, but we must careful observation. The other cliche is that marriage requires two people have the same values, but this is not to say “I love how you have to love”, but “I do not hate you like,” they can, they can compromise, may give way willing to try to touch their original hate to see whether it really can not accept such feelings are willing to compromise, it is easier to maintain feelings. The biggest difference between marriage and love, is willing to change. Willing to change themselves for each other is true love, from start to finish do not want to change themselves, this feeling is at best each other love you. After the intersection of love is short and would like to begin with and would like to flash over. Dry Wood Fierce Fire start, pay attention to authentic, in front of him what is good and the whole world the coolest, most beautiful, do not change, but wait until the love is too weak, and only to find this person Under My unreasonable, the United States too smug, even tattoo the wrong place, and quickly pushed to the individual sub-flash people. Therefore, the emphasis is on how to leave on good love into marriage, of course, there will be many conflicts, learning focused on “the art of getting along.” The boys learn the first lessons that need to lift the toilet lid on the toilet, a very habits began to change, and later into the body, as natural as eating and drinking. But recently my wife say as long as the flip lid, finished in urine toilet paper wipe also hope I get to stay around the toilet of the “heritage”, according to the temper in the past, necessarily, “I love ….” But now I will listen to the views of his wife because “love” There is a heart, and not light with the gifts of the brain thought to her, to heart. His wife has changed a lot, she does not like outdoor activities, premarital know that I love diving, along with more than ten kilograms on her own jump into the sea to survive the air bottles, so the beauty of her fear of tanning, sunscreen oil on his face, a look back , surprised, how come a opera artistes to play with me. Married, I want to dive, she said “do not have the” on the grounds that a child is, not in too dangerous activities. In Taipei before the development of a person to take care of themselves, but also taking credit, not selfish, difficult in a short time their achievements. After getting married, learned to call his wife’s mother “Mom!”, There is food, not first put it in his mouth to eat Guzhe wife and children. I began to feel bad and know how to cherish, because his wife very well, will not make her uncomfortable, will not make her sad, I am naturally reluctant to let them learn to learn to love, but also to change their nature from selfishness into generosity. Similar to the way marriage is a daily scene, the same process, a light, to get along well, I really rely on endowed with wisdom, so to find the object can not just looking for a big leg babes milk, or as handsome Takeshi Kaneshiro, to think of him yourself to find a sweet heart, a look back, that people in the dim light, this is the best object. The so-called other half is not fit for a start, is constantly running in the amendment, you me little bit more, like puzzle pieces together as to together for life. Of course, the years of cruel, life is ultimately separated. Sixteen-year-old like my mother married my father, spend the love of a lifetime, and my father passed away ten years ago, my mother was really like less than half, often staring at the distance, like the father on the other side of the day, sadly. However, if less marital life, less illness and death followed the ups and downs, less the value of the child and the continuation of family affection, I really would have lost a lot of taste.

剛才在回家的路上
和朋友聊到周遭朋友的感情生活
一時間覺得感情在現今社會，
變得毫無價值可言
好像變成了物質的一種
變得好像交易
感嘆人的情感如此地善變
如此地容易被動搖
人心難測
沒有人願意做受害者
沒有人想吃虧
沒有人願意付出卻無法得以回報
就因為這樣
為了保護自己
不讓自己受傷
就忘記當初為何愛了嗎？